Jet Lag

Ugh, 4:45 AM and I am wide awake checking my mail. Which is extremely stupid, cause I am current lodging with the two people who actually communicate with me on a regular basis (O_0).
My horoscope for the 28th:
There is a larger trend operating in your life, DANIELLE, and it is asking you to break the rules and enter into a whole new realm - a whole new mindset, or way of living. Today that trend is brought into focus, as emotional outbursts call attention to these changes. You might find that your heart wants to go one way while your brain wants to go another. Take deep breaths and infuse a wave of calm into the situation before you proceed.

Perhaps this is true, or a bunch of crap some dude is paid to write up everyday. But I almost feel like it might be me with the emotional outbursts today (<_>). I can't put my feelings into words, I am not even quite sure what they are, but maybe I stayed away too long or something. Cause I don't think here is where I want to be in 9 months - which means I've got a lot of thinking and planning to do if that is the case. And that scares me. It really does (._.).

Two Roads Diverged....

Today a random conversation with an acquaintance got me thinking about something. I have reached a point in my life where I am pretty sure I would like to find a significant other at some point. I mean, my mom was married by this age and she was the last one in her family to get hitched. Unfortunately, my prospects seem to be non-existent at this point. I mean, it is not like I am turning them away at the door. No ghosts of the past are realizing how great I was and giving me a call. No random stranger in the airport has realized I am the missing piece to their happiness (^-^). To be honest, I would say yes to a first date with anybody that asked - LOL. Gotta give people a chance right? But, no one is asking.

But here is the dilemma... let us say Mr. Right (now) or a ghost, or that airport stranger does magically appear. And all is right in the world. And then I get a chance for one of my dream jobs - teach in Europe, Foreign Service, etc... And MR says - it is me or the job. I honestly cannot say I would not pick the job. EEEKK!

Have I been alone too long that I have become extra-selfish, too independent? Or am I just worrying about a decision I might never have to make?

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by."

Where has the time gone??

Wow, it's already Christmas Eve!! Where did December go? Guess it's just been a busy month. I feel like writing a list rather than an essay on "what I did this month". So here it goes...

• Made the decision to switch from the masters program at Alabama back to the program at Wayne (it's a good thing I am enrolled in both). The Bama program was just a little too theoretical for me (and I was dead set against having to take that class I dropped again). I did pass my fall class with flying colors - but still all that writing... Wayne's seems more hands on (god, please let it be more hands on) - and since discovering it's available online - may as well go back. Unfortunately the tuition is MUCH more expensive at Wayne - go figure. My parents are being very supportive - so that's cool. Just enrolled in the winter class 10 minutes ago. Now to buy the $400 software package and order some textbooks - bah!
• Celebrated my 32nd birthday! Overall birthday was good. Got lots of packages from America and abroad. Had nice dinners with T & L - got Chuck xmas garland and my nesting doll tea set. The 18th was actually a 50/50 day. I got a fantastic present from my supervisor. It was that gesture that every person wants someone to make at some point - the one were we are just totally blown away. And I was and that made me sad - cause she was so cool and it was so cool and I am gonna have to leave here. And then 3 of my 3rd yr girls gave me a gift - more tears. But all good ones. I got flowers from my little ones. Still good. And then my car broke!!! (The week before the battery died and I managed to get that replaced). But it turns out it was the alternator. SO I was stranded in a parking lot and all my friends where waiting for me at my birthday dinner. But I really am lucky in this country! A friend picked me up and my handy-dandy insurance agent got my car towed. So I made it to dinner with little fuss.
• Still struggling with being a good human (^_^). I find it difficult sometimes to maintain my expectations regarding certain people and my expectations toward them. For example, I got lots of great, awesome packages this holiday season, and I am really happy and grateful for them! But then I don't get a card from someone I thought should have sent one (or someone I sent one too) and I get disappointed. And I know I shouldn't. I should focus on the positive, the people that do acknowledge me. And I also know that not sending a card for my birthday doesn't mean they don't care about me (it just means they are too damn lazy to go buy a stamp) And I really am trying to work on that - to not have expectations of other people. I mean, I know them and I know how they are and I shouldn't be surprised when they don't reciprocate my efforts, but there is always gonna be a part of me that is just gonna keep waiting. And a little part of me thinks "don't they know ME well enough to know that "I" would like a card?) Perhaps that is my nature, or that is human nature, I don't know, but I am trying to modify my behavior so that I can be a better person. But it's hard shit!!
• Spending Xmas at work. But then enjoying some KFC and Christmas cake with some of the others left behind in Toyama this Xmas.

I predict that I am gonna have a pretty good new year though! (~_^)b!

Earworm Edit

Got some free time today and I was thinking about John Denver and that got me thinkin' about my song. And I've never really like the last verse - so I've changed it.

Yatuso Roads (to the tune of Country Roads by John Denver)
Almost heaven, Yatsuo Machi
Tateyama, Jinzu river
Spiders are large here
Larger then the bees
Smaller than the bats
Flying thru the trees
REFRAIN:
JR Rail, take me home
To the place I belong
Yatsuo-machi, the inaka
Take me home, JR Rail
All the rice paddies growin round me
Oishi Mizu, drink delicious water
We’ve Owara, dancing in a line
Bitter taste of sake
More raindrops from the sky
REFRAIN
I hear the bells of the junior high school ringing
My keitai reminds me it's time to start the day
And walking down the road I get a feelin
That I this is the place to stay, to always stay
REFRAIN
REFRAIN
Take me home, JR Rail
Take me home now, JR Rail

Obsession!

I just read that 1 in 5 young adults has some kind of psychological disorder (search MSN if you don't believe me) - I think I might be "the 1"!! LOL - okay, maybe not... but I have some evidence that there is definitely an "obsessive" side to my personality. Take, for example, my "obsession" with Chuck (my yellow Japaneses bird). I now have so many in my position that I don't think it can be classified as normal (O_o). And right now, I "want" Christmas stickers! It's like my brain thinks that I have to buy these cute stickers cause I will never see another Christmas sticker again EVER (what the hell?? crazy right?). My penny collection is another sign of this "obsessive" side - while it's calmed down now, at one point I was driving around the state looking for pressed pennies! Hell, I paid for part of my parents trip to New Orleans so they could get me pennies (granted that was an anniversary present or something too). Man, even traveling is a bit of an obsession for me - to get to as many countries as possible. "Sigh"!

I am sure this trait has some positive affect on me - getting things done or some such, but right now it's manifesting itself in the form of worry over the future. I am currently obsessing about what to do after JET. And worrying is making me scared and being scared is making me worry MORE. As I see it I have a few options:

1. Leave Japan in August, go home, get a job, work on Masters degree
2. Find a way to stay in Japan, work on Master's degree (will make less money if I do this)
3. Leave Japan,travel for a few months, go home, mooch off parents, work on Masters degree

None of these options is entirely bad, but its the not having a concrete plan with guaranteed results after JET that is got me worried. That, and the fact that I general do enjoy my time here. I am not sure I am ready to leave Japan yet, but I am also not sure if I feel that way out of genuine feeling or just fear of the future. Honestly, my "feeling" about being here yoyos almost every hour, depending on what I am doing. Argghhh, I do know this though. I really want to work overseas - top choice being Europe. I am 95% sure I don't want to end up back in Michigan or the US permanently right now. I love living in another country. I can't explain it or tell you why, but I really do love it. I guess with Japan, the whole being "foreign" thing is just cool. And working with kids just intensifies it - I mean, nowhere in America will I have students yelling "I love Danielle" from the bathroom windows when I leave work. Perhaps I am a bit narcissistic and I like the attention. Honestly, I don't know and it's not really something I feel I need to examine to closely. My time would be better spent figuring out how to continue living overseas (since the FS is out, bastards!).

Man, perhaps I should switch my "disorder" from obsession to just plain drinking or something. I'd be a hell of a lot more mellow (^_^).

This is really all needless worry, I did the same thing before I left for Japan and everything turned out just fine. So the lesson for me is... worrying is pointless, just make reasonable choices and things will work out just fine. As for JET and life after it... it's like the song says...."You don't have to go home, you just can't stay here".